7 Tips For Successful Speeches With Limited Time

Ladies and gentlemen,

It is my unique honor and pleasure to deliver the Reply to the Toast to the Lassies.

Coincidentally, last week, some friends of mine were organizing a combined event – a Chinese New Year celebration and a Burns Supper. They called it Chinese Burns Night. They kept trying to twist my arm, but I didn’t go.

So this is actually my first-ever Burns Night.

Why then am I suddenly standing here assuming this very important role?

Well, Mr. Richard Walker had the idea of proposing a Burns Night virgin to give the Reply To The Toast To The Lassies.

Whether that was a bright idea or not remains to be seen in the next few minutes.

If it was not – you know who to blame.

If it was – you know who to thank.

Even though this is my first Burns Supper, I was actually surrounded by the influence of Rabbie almost as soon as I came out of the womb as a babbie because I was born on New Year’s Eve – Hogmanay – which is, of course, when everyone sings “Auld Lang Syne.”

And, if you didn’t know, the lyrics from “Auld Lang Syne” come from a poem written by Robert Burns in 1788.

While most people expect the Happy Birthday song on their birthday, I expect “Auld Lang Syne.”

So, imagine when I first came to Japan over 30 years ago, every time I was in a shop at closing time, I thought it was my birthday.

Even with this Burns influence from an early age and the fact that I am actually over a quarter Scottish (grandfather on my mum’s side and great-grandparents on my dad’s side), my knowledge of Scottish culture, the Bard’s works and antics, and even the fabulous traditional food that we’ve enjoyed this evening were rather limited until I started researching to prepare for this Reply.

I admit that I had to look up a few of the items on the menu – Coulibiac (which is apparently Russian), choron sauce (which is apparently French), and Cranachan (which is Scottish) – and I read out the menu to my husband, Hiroshi.

I continued reading about the proceedings for this evening and the people and came to Simon Tross-Youle.

Hiroshi said, “Are you still reading the menu?”

I’m not sure, lassies, would we consider Trossy here to be a dish?

I also explained to Hiroshi that in the Reply, it’s apparently the tradition to make fun of men.

He said, “Why?”

It was all I could do to stop myself from saying, “Because we can.”

When I agreed to give the Reply, Mr. Walker assured me, and I quote, that “Your counterpart, the gentleman giving the toast, will be available to guide you through what you need to do.”

And Mr. Hendy assured me, and I quote, “Simon by the way is an old hand at Burns Nights, and he can assist you too.”

Mr. Tross-Youle emailed me less than 24 hours before this event saying he was, and I quote, “Desperately sorry not to have responded.”

I guess he wanted to say, “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley.” [Burns quote]

And when I first met Mr. Tross-Youle in person this evening, he was, in fact, a: “Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous beastie.” [Burns quote]

If you didn’t know, that’s actually from a Burns poem about a mouse.

Speaking of mice…

Why does the Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter? It Disneyland. [“Does not land” in a Scottish accent]

Some of you in the audience who, like me, aren’t proper Scottish may wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt. And I did ask that question at the Scottish Highland Games here in Japan a few years ago.

And here’s what I discovered. A true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will quite happily show you though.

And I will never ask that question again.

But I will ask you, ladies and gentlemen.

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?

“One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!”

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said (please imagine the Scottish accents here),

“Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.”

She replied, “Awe Iain that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?”

“Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m oot.”

Yes, the Scotsman is known for being, as my dear Uncle Raymond used to put it, “As tight as a camel’s arse in a sandstorm.”

Do we have any golfers in the room?

I heard they have a sign on Scottish golf courses that says

“Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.”

Speaking of balls,

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man’s undivided attention.

And on the subject of the male anatomy,

Do you know what that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? … The man.

There’s been a lot of debate about the real difference between men and women.

Well, here’s the answer.

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?

One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.

They say a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, but even a fish needs a ride now and again.

Our laddies Richard, Alex, and Simon gave me a bit of a challenge this evening, but I must admit this has been fun.

I’m sure, ladies, you’ll agree that life wouldn’t be such fun without our laddies and we do love them dearly.

So ladies, please charge your glasses.

On behalf of the Lassies, I would like to thank Mr. Alex Hendy and all the organizers of this fabulous evening, Mr. Simon Tross-Youle for his toast, and Mr. Richard Walker for his sound judgment and all the laddies here with us today.

Please be upstanding and join me in a toast to the laddies.

“To the laddies!”