この記事では、仕事に殺到されず、フレンドリーで親しみやすい人間になるためのヒントをご紹介しています。 記事は英語です。 どうぞお役立てください！
I loved this question in the Sasuga! Community Facebook group (thanks, Helen Lewis!):
“I struggle with handling all the different threads that come at me – from friends, from family, from students, not to mention work colleagues. There is never time to be all things to all people. Tips on how to be friendly and approachable without getting swamped!”
This is a massive problem for many of us, especially if we’re overachievers, people pleasers, or Obligers (read more on Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies here).
I’ve struggled with trying to be “all things to all people” for years and on occasion it’s had a serious physical and emotional impact – at one point resulting in me sitting, crying, in a psychotherapist’s office for two hours listing all the stuff I’d taken on and how it was all just TOO MUCH (thank you, Andrew Grimes from Tokyo Counseling Services, for helping me get back on my feet). Apparently, I was suffering from “emotional exhaustion.” I didn’t even know that was a thing.
I often see people in the workplace who are overwhelmed, leading to suboptimal results, inefficiency, and stress. That’s what I call mottainai. I hope that by sharing what I’ve learned, I can help more people say good-bye to mottainai.
These days, I deal with all the “demands” on myself much better. But it takes ongoing intentional effort.
Here are my three big revelations and three tips. Take from this what’s useful for you.
Big Revelation 1: You have 100% control over how you respond
It’s so easy to blame other people for how swamped we feel – the boss, colleagues, and clients piling on the work, family members demanding so much, friends being needy, others asking for attention. Do you feel like they’re putting on the pressure and you’re the victim?
Well, I love the saying that “life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”
I noticed that the external situation doesn’t change much. It’s always busy. How I react to that makes a massive difference. I could react by feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Or I can focus on one thing at a time and enjoy doing the best I can with that thing.
Big Revelation 2: You’re not responsible for keeping everyone happy
You don’t need to be friendly and approachable to everyone.
When I was president of the Japan Association of Translators, after a period of tension due to differences of opinion in the membership, I wrote in a message to everyone, “I’ve realized that I can’t please all the people all the time.”
One member replied, “Duh.”
It was a relief to know I’m not responsible for keeping the world happy!
Big Revelation 3: They don’t need as much as you think
I noticed that when I started to respond less quickly, less often, and with less information, it wasn’t a problem. We tell ourselves how much people need from us when in fact, in most cases, they really don’t. And we may even create unnecessary work for ourselves.
I’m not physically (or emotionally) capable of doing everything that I WANT to do. A simple example is that I wanted to send loads of personal New Year greetings. But the year got off to a busy start, and I prioritized taking care of myself and honoring existing commitments.
Whenever I thought about the New Year greetings, I started singing to myself “Let It Go” from Frozen.
We create the stress ourselves in our minds.
So here are my three tips.
Tip 1: Notice your self-talk
I pay more attention to how I communicate with myself. Whenever I hear the voice in my head saying, “I don’t have time” or “I have soooooo much to do” or “I need to…,” I stop myself and shift to phrases like “I’ve taken on a lot and am now taking action to reduce the pressure I’m putting on myself,” or “I choose to…,” or “what if I don’t…?”
I used to always want to reply to emails within the same day. This often meant working late at home. I then set myself a rule of finishing work by 7 p.m. for one month. No more emails after that time. At first it was tremendously difficult to leave emails unanswered. I got a knot in my stomach. But I left them until the next day. And, guess what? The world didn’t fall apart.
Tip 2: Put on your oxygen mask first
When you’re on a plane, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first. You can’t help others if you’re dead. It’s the same off the plane. Take care of yourself first.
This is difficult for many of us to accept because, growing up, we’ve been told “don’t be selfish.”
Well, maybe we should rethink that a bit.
Now, every morning, I have three “Must for Me” actions:
- Meditate for 15 minutes
- Walk for 30 minutes
- Journal
Sometimes I don’t do them in that order or not immediately one after another. Being the mother of a teenager, flexibility helps. Or occasionally I have a very early start for a client. Nevertheless, more than 80 percent of the time, I complete the Must for Me actions before 8 a.m.
In the book Tools of Titans, Tim Ferriss tells how he prioritizes his health – and sleep – to the extent that if he didn’t sleep well, he cancels meetings the next morning to stay in bed and be properly rested. Wow! He’s definitely putting on his oxygen mask first.
Tip 3: Communicate honestly with others
You may think that how you communicate with others is most important to avoid getting swamped, but actually how you communicate with yourself has the biggest impact. So please prioritize 1 and 2, above.
If you’re feeling swamped because of all the “demands” coming at you, let people know.
I’ve spoken before about when to say “no” and how to say “no” in the workplace, so please read those posts if this is important to you.
When it comes to family and friends, think about it: surely they care about your wellbeing? So tell them honestly that you can’t take on anymore at the moment. This is another one that I resisted for a long time. I would force myself to keep a commitment to a friend even when I was feeling overwhelmed. I was shocked by how easily people accepted when I said, “Sorry, I can’t help you this time” or “Sorry, I can’t make it.”
People aren’t telepathic. They don’t know that it’s too much if you don’t tell them and just keep a smiley face all the time because you want to be friendly and approachable.
* * * * *
I’ve really enjoyed thinking through this question and hope that my response is helpful. Communicating differently with yourself and others can help you to avoid feeling swamped and say good-bye to mottainai.
Huge thanks to TopTia for the photo!