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A former colleague referred to it as the “bulls**t sandwich.” Maybe you’ve heard these three layers of feedback:
“You’re doing really great at X.
You made a complete mess of Y. You should have done Z instead.
Keep up the great work!”
This feedback model of starting and ending on a positive and giving “negative feedback” in the middle is incredibly popular in the corporate world.
But how can we take such mixed messages seriously? How can we trust someone who changes their tone so quickly from positive to negative to positive?
I use and recommend a different approach.
Most important is to foster positive relationships with your colleagues in your day-to-day work. When they say or do something that you appreciate or admire, tell them. Be specific about what it was that they said or did, so that they’re encouraged to do more of the same and it doesn’t seem like you’re just trying to be nice or trying to manipulate them.
When you regularly give positive, specific feedback and build trust, you can have caring and constructive conversations about any poor performance and get the best outcomes. Rather than “negative feedback,” I prefer the expression “developmental feedback” because it helps the person to grow.
A member of one of the teams I’m in kept arriving late or missing meetings. Let’s call him Sam. The rest of the team was getting fed up with Sam’s behavior because it disrupted the start of our meetings or meant we spent unnecessary time rescheduling. We also felt it was disrespectful to us. What’s more, we cared about Sam and were concerned about how this behavior might impact his reputation and career.
We agreed that I would talk with Sam. Here are the 5 steps that I took and recommend:
1. Schedule a private meeting. Choose the time and the place carefully. Avoid giving feedback immediately after an incident if someone is upset. They’re not going to hear you. But don’t wait too long – like until the year-end performance review – because you want the person to remember what happened and to give them an opportunity to change. Reserve a meeting place where you can be undisturbed and focus on the conversation.
2. Show respect and get agreement. Here’s how I start this type of conversation: “Are you okay for about 15 minutes? (Wait for a “yes.”) What I’d like to do is for me to speak for a few minutes while you listen, and then I’ll listen while you tell me your thoughts on what I said. Is that okay?” Whether I’m talking with a superior, a peer, or a subordinate, I speak with respect and ask permission.
3. Get straight to the facts. People usually sense when they’re about to hear feedback that might be tough to take. So if you start talking about the great things they’ve done, it’s likely to fall on deaf ears. And they’re less likely to trust you because you’re giving mixed messages. Once you’ve got agreement on the format of the conversation, get straight to the facts. Avoid judging or accusing. For example, say, “You missed the meeting on March 1 and 3 and arrived 15 minutes late on March 2 and 6” instead of “You’re disorganized” or “You don’t respect your team.” The person could easily argue with the latter because he may actually be well organized and respect his team, but have valid reasons for behavior that suggests otherwise. For example, he may be under pressure due to an important project or dealing with a tricky family situation.
4. Clarify the impact of the behavior. Explain how what the person did or didn’t do affected other people or the work. This is a key step because often the person isn’t fully aware of the impact. Sam didn’t realize how much our team members felt disrespected. Note here the difference between saying “our team members felt disrespected” and “you don’t respect your team.”
5. Pause to let the person digest the information and respond. You may be tempted to tell the person what he should or shouldn’t do. But most people don’t like to be told what to do. Even if they say “yes” at the time, they’re unlikely to change or may feel resentful. They’re more likely to change their behavior if they’ve thought of a solution that’s realistic for them. Of course, if they ask for advice, you can give it.
The outcome was that Sam decided to leave the team since he didn’t feel he was currently able to commit fully. He contacted all the other team members and apologized to them. He thanked me for being candid about the feedback.
What’s most interesting for me here is that I didn’t need to say anything positive in the meeting and yet the outcome was positive. That’s the result of building trusting and friendly relationships on a day-to-day basis.
So I encourage you – especially if you’re a manager – to foster positive relationships with your colleagues and remember the steps above. Then, when the time comes to give feedback on poor performance, you can deliver a clear message and get the best outcome.
If you’re going to hand out sandwiches at work, make them tasty, healthy, and easy to digest 🙂
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Huge thanks to TopTia for the photo.