“My son has been sick this week, and he ended up watching YouTube for kids all day since he wants to be in my room where I work. I felt bad.”
This is a classic example of mum guilt.
In many cases, “Mum guilt” (or “Mom guilt” or “Mommy guilt”) is when you want to be a good mother, but you also want to do well in your career.
You feel like you’re not doing things right or not doing enough as a mother.
In a word, you feel inadequate.
But what – or who – are you comparing yourself to?
You’ve probably got ideas about being a “good mother” from your parents or other relatives, friends, teachers (yours and your children’s), TV, social media, and many more influencers in your life.
And of course, people are telling you their ideals and usually NOT showing you the reality – especially on social media.
I talked about “mum guilt” on Episode 194 of the Sasuga! Podcast and wanted to revisit the topic here because it’s shown up several times in recent conversations.
I’ve seen it drive tremendously talented professional women to tears (including me). And it doesn’t have to be that way.
First, let’s pick up on the rest of the story above.
The mum in question told me that she asked her son, “What did you learn today from YouTube?”
Apparently, he replied, “I don’t know…” and was singing and dancing.
Isn’t that interesting?
Her child was sick, but she was asking him what he learned.
Wasn’t it enough that he was happy and having fun (as kids often seem to do even when they have a fever!)?
I used to feel mum guilt too. I felt like I didn’t give my daughter enough attention. But then I also felt that I always had more work to do. I put myself in a no-win situation.
If I could go back and talk to myself 10 or 20 years ago, I would say, “Relax and enjoy the moments more – both work and motherhood.”
In my view, if your child is healthy and happy, you’re definitely doing your job as a mother. And remember, give yourself some credit – you MADE a human being, or maybe more than one! That’s pretty impressive.
Here are 3 tips to help ease you out of mum guilt if you’re suffering
1. Look after yourself first
Have you heard the saying, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? (The English might be confusing if it’s not your native language. It means that if the mother isn’t happy, nobody is happy.)
It makes sense, right? If mum is in a bad mood, it affects others in the home – and at work.
I also noticed that when I was especially stressed at work, my daughter would get sick.
In fact, on my first day at McKinsey Japan, I had to leave early because I got a call from the nursery saying that my daughter had a fever and I had to pick her up!
I was horrified. I thought, “Crikey, my new colleagues will think I’m so unprofessional and unreliable! I might be fired in my first week!”
And at the same time another voice in my head was saying, “What a terrible mother you are thinking of work when your daughter is sick!”
Now I know the importance of taking care of myself first, so that I’m in a better place physically, mentally, and emotionally to take care of others and do brilliant work.
2. Be present
Do your best to focus on whatever is right in front of you. So when you’re at work, focus on work. When you’re with your kids, be fully with your kids.
This may not be easy at first.
You might be playing Anpanman karuta and start composing an email response to a client in your head. Or you might be at work composing an email response to a client and start thinking that you should spend more time playing Anpanman karuta with your son or daughter.
This is normal.
The answer is when you notice you’re distracted, gently bring your thoughts back to what you’re doing. It’s sort of like a meditation.
Those thoughts might not even fully go away, but you can get better and better at gently bringing yourself back to what’s right in front of you.
Progress, not perfection.
Know that doing that is for everyone’s benefit – especially yours.
3. Deal with child “emergencies”
An emergency might be a bleeding knee or it might be a missing favorite sock crisis.
I learned as a mother that by fully dealing with the “emergency” immediately, I could more quickly go back to the other thing that I was doing.
Clients often say, “I want to have a morning routine, but my kids keep interrupting me!”
The whole idea of a morning routine is for you to start the day feeling good with a sense of accomplishment.
So, here’s my advice if your little one jolts you out of your meditation, yoga practice, journaling, or reading because she can’t find her favorite pencil.
Simply deal with the drama and then go back to your morning routine when you can.
And if there’s no time left, just let it go and look forward to the opportunity to give it a go the next day. It’s not a big deal.
Women sometimes tell me they feel “selfish” when they focus on their work because they’re neglecting their kids. And they feel “selfish” when they’re focusing on their kids because they’re neglecting their work.
How about we turn “selfish” into “selfful” – being kind to yourself and doing what’s best for you, so that you can be your best for your kids or your work depending on which you’re focusing on at the time?