If you’re a business professional using English and Japanese in your workplace, how great would it be if you could quickly improve your communication and work relationships without having to spend hours studying another language?
As a Brit with a 3-decade career in Japan coaching high-potential individuals in global corporations, I realized that workplace miscommunication often wasn’t simply a matter of people’s English or Japanese language capability.
It was more likely due to a lack of understanding other people’s values and communication preferences.
Picture two colleagues with the same native language. That could be English or Japanese.
What’s important to each of them could be very different.
One may prioritize doing outstanding work even if that means sacrificing their personal life – or the other way around.
Another may want to keep everyone in the team happy and be reluctant to take personal credit – or the reverse could be true.
As human beings, we listen to what’s important to us and pay less attention to what we consider not so important.
These differences in values and preferences often lead to communication mishaps and strained relationships with coworkers, which can be a HUGE cause of stress and adversely impact business results too!
So it’s clearly worth exploring how to improve communication and work relationships, right?
That’s why, when I first read the book The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I considered how the concept could be adapted for the workplace, and I shared my ideas in Episode 131 of The Sasuga! Podcast back in 2021.
According to Dr. Chapman, each individual has at least one language and often two that they prefer above the others.
(I later discovered that Dr. Chapman had in fact coauthored a followup book with psychologist Paul White called The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.)
The 5 Love Languages at Work
So what are these 5 love languages?
Here’s my take on what Dr. Chapman wrote, with some personal examples:
1. Words of Affirmation – expressing your love or appreciation in words
At work, you might say “You did a great job creating those slides for the presentation. The photos that you included with the data will really help the audience to get a clearer picture of what we’re talking about.”
2. Acts of Service – doing things for the other person
This could be sending some relevant statistics that you know will help a colleague who’s writing a report.
3. Receiving Gifts – giving something thoughtful to your colleague
A recent personal example here is when one of the Team Sasuga! members surprised me with a chocolate included in some physical documents that she sent to me!
4. Quality Time – taking time to be with others
In the workplace, this could be spending extra time to talk with a new hire and listen to their concerns.
5. Physical Touch – a handshake, hug, or pat on the back
I’ll never forget when I was working for a Japanese company and some male suppliers from South Africa visited. They walked into the meeting room, went straight past my senior Japanese male colleagues and hugged me!
As you no doubt know, physical touch was not a part of Japanese business culture – especially in the 90s. However, in a recent workshop that I delivered for Japanese executive women, a popular question was in fact “What do you do when your overseas colleague attempts to hug you?!” (tip: if you’re not keen on hugging in business, stick your hand out for a handshake before the other person closes in on you).
5 other love languages in the workplace
While Dr. Chapman’s 5 love languages are a thought-provoking starting point, during my time here in Japan I’ve frequently observed 5 other “love” languages and seen first-hand how using them effectively can help to significantly improve workplace communication and relations.
1. Quality
In a former workplace, some of my colleagues often complained that one of the experts in the department treated people harshly.
I invited the expert to lunch and, through our conversation, discovered that her love language was clearly work quality. In her mind, it was essential to produce outstanding work even at the cost of relationships with her colleagues.
2. Teamwork
As a people person, teamwork used to be my top love language in the workplace.
This didn’t mean that work quality wasn’t important. It was just that if I had to choose between either how colleagues felt or the level of our professional output, I would prioritize people and teamwork every time.
3. Efficiency
Efficiency is a key factor throughout the business process from innovation to production, marketing and sales, fulfillment, and followup.
But in specific situations, some people place more importance on efficiency than others. A classic example is meetings. Have you noticed how certain individuals seem more inclined to tolerate (maybe even enjoy?) long, slow-moving discussions and others are keen to minimize meeting time?
4. Wellbeing
An increasing number of high-performing women come to me when they’re close to burnout. They’ve realized that it’s essential for them to take care of their physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, so that they can do brilliant work without sacrificing their personal lives.
This was the case for me too, so now this is probably my #1 love language now. You may also think of this as work-life balance.
5. Recognition
Giving appropriate recognition for ideas and achievements can have a significant impact on your colleagues’ motivation.
I remember a senior Japanese colleague who had little involvement in my team’s recent achievement saying, “We did a really good job, didn’t we?”
I guess he was intending to be inclusive (???) But it came across as him taking the credit where he hadn’t even made a contribution. I would have preferred to hear, “You did a really good job” and I would take the “you” as meaning my team,
How to identify and use your colleagues’ love languages
When you’re communicating with colleagues, the more you talk in terms of their love language, the easier it will be to get your message across and build stronger relationships.
In some cases, you may be able to guess immediately what your colleague’s love language is. If not, start to pay attention to how they talk. Do they focus on work quality? Are they concerned for the people? Is efficiency important for them? Is their wellbeing or personal life their priority? Do they light up when they receive recognition?
This list isn’t intended to be comprehensive. It’s to give you an idea of common values and preferences and encourage you to pay attention to what’s important for your colleagues.
Once you have an idea of their top love language, test out using more of that. Especially when making requests, frame your language from that perspective.
For example:
“The quality of our output is crucial, so that’s why I’m asking for your expertise here.”
“This will be a big win for the team.”
“We’ve already taken care of x, y, and z, so that we can complete the process as efficiently as possible.”
“I know it’s important for you to leave by 5.30 p.m., so what’s the latest you want me to get the draft to you, so that you can review it before then?”
And for recognition, remember to give recognition after an achievement, so that you strengthen the relationship and the person is more likely to cooperate the next time too.
Then see how you can start to enjoy less effort in your communication and more impact in terms of positive work relationships.
Love listening to podcasts?
I share more about love languages and what I said when my massage therapist asked me for relationship advice in Episode 131: The 5 Love Languages For Better Relationships at Home and Work.
The #LessEffortMoreImpact Movement for Women in Business is an uplifting community for growth-minded women in Japan and beyond to
- connect across industries and nationalities
- embrace selfcare as a success strategy
- encourage each other to step out of our comfort zones
so that we can do brilliant work, without sacrificing our personal lives.